Well, it's fall(ish) and the State Fair is in town again. I am wildly excited and have found myself salivating at the prospect of another round of country fried festivities. Yes, I know I'm a dork.

Last year I went and conquered my childhood fear of the most bad ass carnie ride: The Zipper. The zipper is now my favorite ride, ever. If there are people out there who have never seen one, or ridden one, here is an excerpt from a site dedicated to carnival rides: "The Zipper is the standard measuring stick to which all other "scary" rides are measured - if your body can handle two and a half minutes on the Zipper, you can handle any other ride on a carnival midway (with possible exception of its cousin - Turbo) . The ride is lean, mean - and very rarely clean." Truer words have n'er been spoken. Oh Zipper, we love thee.

It's one of those things at the fair where you round a corner and a light beams down from heaven illuminating the hastily assembled death machine of glory. And a chorous of agngels starts singing Glory Glory Hallelujah and majesties shoot out in every direction.

I don't know if state fairs are basically the same across the nation or what, but we have the same old common folk entertainment every year. We have a fifteen foot shopping cart that is actually a car. We have crafts and nick-nacks for the old folks. There's a couple of destruction derbies. The Village of Yesteryear with it's O-so-delicious piping hot cider. There are freakishly large animals and freakishly small people. (I've seen the worlds shortest woman, have you? In your face!) There's a turkey shoot. There's the obviously rigged games that charge you a fortune to not win a crappy purple and blue bear stuffed with asbestos from China. You can't ever pass up on the Midway of course.

I will say there's a notable absence of beer and wet t-shirt contests. I guess it's supposed to be a "family" atmosphere or something. You would think the bible belt conservatives that apparently own this state would want their little boys to see as many tits as possible at a young age so they don't grow up to be gay. But I guess you can't get into heaven unless you are afraid of everyones body parts and never have any fun, ever. And you'd think they would want their daughters to see how slutty college chicks are now so that when they grow up they can try and be even sluttier. Because without a bunch of eighteen year old strippers running around handing out AIDS and popping forth babies like a potato cannon, who will they spend all their time wagging their holy fingers at? I digress.

Despite the non stripping and t-shirt soaking atmosphere, all you fellers, don't go with your ladies unless they have already cut your balls off and are keeping them in a jar in their closet so you can't get and erection without their permission. (I don't think balls really have much to do with erections, but you know what I mean) Trust me guys, there is so much fine southern ass walking around you won't know where to look. And it's still in the eighties this time of year, so they aren't covering up their goodies. In fact I love the entire crowd. Even the fat folks and the smelly folks and the GOD DAMN SCREAMING CHILDREN. (leave you hell spawn at home you worthless peasant bastards) You get such a huge slice of America (and Mexico) when you people-watch at the fair. And you know there are some crazy ass people in the deep south. At times I feel like I'm one microphone and a set of bouncers away from being on the Jerry Springer show. (which I love with a passion and will discuss at a later date)

But as a food lover (not literally) my favorite part of the fair is the wicked awesome food they have there. The fair has a wide selection of really bad ass food that you can never get any other time of the year. There's the giant turkey legs, fire roasted corn, cotton candy, candied apples, and all the usuals. But for the last few years our fair has been exploding with the coolest food trend ever. We deep fry everything. No shit, just pick something, and it's probably deep fried and for sale on the fair grounds. And my little brother works at the grand stand, so I get my fat ass hooked up! The grand stand is responsible in a big way for coming up with many of these concoctions, they keep trying new things and adding more every year. WOOT WOOT!

Last year was the first time I really dove into the fried goods phenomenon. The list of food I ate fried in five hours last year goes as follows:
one twinkie
one snickers bar
one milkyway bar
one three musketeers bar
four or five oreos
one funnel cake
one serving of fried Coke (yes as in the soda, they put the syrup into the funnel cake batter and pour it over the finished product. Don't waste your money, it tastes exactly like a regular funnel cake if you have a coke with it)

And that's not including the turkey leg I ate, the sandwich, or the multiple drinks. If I had had more money/room I could have also enjoyed the fried hamburger, cheese burger, or pickles. And this year they have all new delights. I hear they have bananas, banana pudding, cookie dough, and PB&J sandwiches! No shit, peanut butter and mother fucking jelly, but deep fried. How awesome is that? So because I'm always up for overindulgent self destructive behavior, I'm going to see how many different fried foods I can eat in one day. And then I'm going to ride the Zipper. I managed last year to hold down the grease fest compacted in my gullet.

Is he crazy? Will he make it a second year without barfing? Is there really so much poon tang at the Fair that I will get in trouble with my woman? Tune in next week to find out. Same fried time, same fried channel.