I read today online that scientists have discovered black slime growing inside the Chernobyl reactor. That's right, real live living life in what was previously believed to be a completely unlivable area. Some sort of fungus or bacteria or evil psychoplasmatic mood slime that causes people to become enraged and channel ghosts or whatever. These scientists are all creaming their white lab coats because they believe this could result in a form of life that could survive the perils of outer space. And of course they are taking major leaps of faith as to the application of their discovery without much real science to back them up. Now all of a sudden life on earth could have travelled here from some exploded planet like Krypton, or maybe we could just grow crops to feed astronauts. As if the Tang weren't enough.

All this crap is mildly interesting to me, but I think the real science issue is being avoided. That being monsters. For many years the highest science authorities in Hollywood have been proving through cinematic investigation that radiation always leads to monsters. So the real question is not whether we can sprout corn in an airless, gamma radiated situation. What we should be asking is are there a handful of brain sucking, flesh eating, incestuous, evil monsters lurking at the upper reaches of our atmosphere, or if space is already teeming with them and humanity has no chance of survival.

And let us not, in the haste of this terrifying knowledge, forget about the imminent threat here on our beloved third rock from Sol. Now I know Russia is pretty much an exact replica of The Hills Have Eyes anyway, but will we see an uprising of super powered mutant serial killers? Or will the motherland just become a post apocalyptic wasteland populated by throngs of brain hungry zombies. And of course will we be facing the slow brain eating sort of zombies, or will they be the super strong/fast/crazy sort that sneeze clouds of infectious vapors, eat every part of the human victim so as not to waste, and run like Kenyans? And not that there are any cities in Russia large enough to worry about it, but is it possible that Asia could be seeing another Godzilla? Or even a Mothra? (a monster possibly seven or eight times more creepy that Godzilla)

Now I would like to clear one thing up. I do not hate Russia. Despite their war ridden, frost bitten, pinko commie tendencies, they seem like an interesting country full of very very attractive women and vodka. Two of my favorite things in this sorry life. And I in no means want to alienate any of them just in case I end up visiting Moscow and get the living shit kicked out of me. Or end up running into an English speaking hooker in one of their back alleys, or main street, or wherever the red light district is in Moscow, and not only end up missing out on some sweet Russian poon tang, but also get the living shit kicked out of me by a girl. I saw the Indiana Jones movie where that American broad owned a bar on the Siberian tundra. I think I would like it there. Me and dive bars get along. In fact much better than me and respectable establishments get along. So to all the Russians out there, I love your country sort of, and I would like to have sex with you or your attractive female friends/comrades. Plus if I piss y'all off I might have to order my next mail order bride from Thailand or Columbia, and fuck that.