Chew Your Food

Oh dear God, I'm exhausted. I had one of those Saturdays where your liver crawls out you ass and scurries away to hide under the bed. Eight thirty rolled around this morning and my brother woke me up. It was fair time. I was siked out. The catch? My wicked hangover was going to make this day challenging. I felt like thirty two flavors of ass.

So I pounded a couple down whilst I got ready, and we headed out to the fairgrounds. After we sit for seven or eight hours in fair traffic, we finally get a parking spot. We hired a sherpa to help us find our way back to civilized society, seeing as how the spot we got was somewhere near West Virginia. After we got to the gates, the first booth sported a sign I had been waiting a very long time to see: "FUNNEL CAKES".

Hell fuckin yeah, I thought, lets kick this fucker off with a classic. I ate a funnel cake and waited for our good friends Kato and Rach to get there. First order of business, ride the Zipper. No wait, I forgot, they talked me into going on this drop ride. Basically you sit in a chair facing away from this huge ass tower, they raise you, and you fall. It's cooler than it sounds. But I'm a total pussy for heights. Don't get me wrong, I have huge brass balls that are impervious to damage and shoot lasers out of them, but they are ground balls. Some people just aren't meant to leave the relative safety of the ground, and I'm one of them.

After that we hit up the Zipper, it blew my mind. I seriously love that thing. I want to marry the zipper and have little twirling carnie children that we'll feed deep fried cheerios for breakfast. Then we dicked around and rode some other bull shit. There was a "House of Rock" that disappointed. There was really no real rock theme, just a fun house for kids. There was a spinny thing with a pole, I liked that, but the rest was craptastic. Same deal with some little horror ride where you get in a child size mine cart and ride through a sort of dark area with animatronics that would make Walt Disney's head implode from the sheer suckitude. I wanted my moneys worth though, so I screamed like a girl every time anything moved or got illuminated.

I saw the amazing Snake girl, head of a beautiful woman, but the two hundred pound body of an ugly snake. It was only a dollar, and I would call that a bargain, because I actually got about ten dollars worth of frustration and hatred. First off, the snake body was nowhere near two hundred pounds. It wasn't even especially large for a constrictor. Second, they didn't even try to hide the door this dumb bitch was sticking her head through. Third, home girl had on sun glasses and headphones. Fuck me, just give it at least a little effort. We all know it's fake, but we're playing along for the sake of entertainment. Jeez.

Then I went and got some fried pickles. They were gross, but I hate pickles anyway. Just imagine taking a pickle spear and nuking it in the microwave until it burns the living shit out of your mouth. Now squirt some ranch sauce on your burns and you have a fried pickle. Then I went and got a fried peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was good, but not awesome. Then I got a fried cheeseburger. I wish I had paid five dollars for the foreign bastard who sold me this monstrosity to just go ahead and take a huge shit in my mouth, because that would have tasted better. I imagine if you took the cheapest meat substitute you could find, piss on it, coat it with enough salt to make it impossible to eat, and then heat it up to five billion degrees so people will be distracted by the pain and not round house kick the crap out of you for passing it off as food. Suck. I did stop by a place which offered "good old fashioned soda pop" on tap and it came in this bad ass metal mug that's got a prospector and the logo "Hillbilly Homebrew". So that was cool.

Round about this time the hangover is in full swing and I begin suspect that my overindulgence may have been a poor idea. So I went and rode the Zero Gravity ride that spins you so fast you overcome gravity and then they tilt the thing up on a ninety degree angle. That was cool as hell. After that we rode the Ring of Fire. That was cool.

At two they had a destruction derby. I don't know if you have ever seen one, but everything that begins with destruction is automatically bad ass. I'm not sure if it can get much more American than drinking Coke at the State Fair while listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd over a loudspeaker and waiting for a bunch of crazy red necks to jump in junked out cars with the sole intention of smashing the crap out of each other. They had Radiator Gladiator (pronounced rad with a short A, you know, so it rhymes with gladiator) t-shirts. I got one. It was wild as hell.

I saw more mullets in one day that I normally do in one month. Good lord. I don't know what it is about rednecks, but they just won't let go of a bad idea once it becomes popular. Jebus Krikes, people stopped wearing mullets some time around the early nineties. Because they look stupid. Fucking retarded. Stop continuing the abomination. And there was more fine asses than you could shake a stick at. I swear we got some fine women down here in the south. Mmmmmm ... tasty! I swear though, there was also some dangerous jail bait. If I ever have a daughter, I will never, ever, under any circumstances let her leave the house dressed like some of the little girls I saw today. I'll just as soon tan her fuckin hide. I'll put the fear of the Lord back in her little hoochie ass, cause I don't want her parading around like some mini slut and getting knocked up and making my spare time and money go towards taking care of her loose vagina and the bastards who pop out of it. Fuck that.

So anyway, after the derby was over and all the cars were totalled we went up to The Grill to say hey to my little brother LP. Then we went to the Village of Yesteryear to get a steaming hot cup of the worlds best damn apple cider ever.

And that was pretty much it. Nate and Sami got burnt to hell, but I was ok because I work in the sun a lot. I managed to keep the food in my stomach until I got home and barfed in the shower. I learned I need to chew my food better.