Monday, October 15, 2007

Tasty Tasty Murder

I never cease to be amazed by the decisions some people make in life. I may not be the shining beacon of moderation or forethought, but I can usually smell bull shit a mile away. And today that bull shit is vegetarians. Now I don't want to piss off any vegetarians, because I've met some really hot ones I'd like to convert, but seriously? No meat ever?

That's crazy on a level beyond me. I can't imagine giving up any type of food, let alone the best kind. Don't get me wrong, I love veggies and fruit and all that good healthy shit, but not nearly on the level I love meat. Meat is what we do here in North Carolina. No joke, we barbecue, and we are damn good at it. I would put up our Carolina style BBQ against any other kind, and I think ours would be the best.

There's a distinction to be made here for anyone travelling through the south sampling BBQ. Now NC boasts a vinegar based BBQ style, specializing in pulled pork. It's some damn good shit. But if you happen to be in South Carolina and see something called Carolina style BBQ, there's a good chance it is nothing of the kind. South Carolina has, for reasons unknown to the rest of the planet, decided to base their BBQ on mustard, not vinegar. I will say that it can be tasty, and on occasion can be enjoyed by the avid BBQ enthusiast, but vinegar is the good and proper way to season your BBQ, and anyone who tells you different needs a good swift kick to the nads. Or maybe just some schooling in what real BBQ tastes like. And the same goes for all of y'all tomato based BBQ saucers. You don't even know alright, trust me.

In fact I just read an article today about one of the new food attractions at our State Fair, which is going on as I type. They have a BBQ sundae. No shit. They take some pulled pork, throw on a layer of baked beans, and some good old country slaw, with vinegar sauce and various other fixins. Damn dude, that just sounds tasty. My mouth is watering up just thinking about it. Once again, BBQ down here is supposed to be eaten with baked beans and slaw. It doesn't hurt to have some hush puppies, biscuits, fried chicken, Lima beans, greens, corn, corn bread, mashed taters with gravy, hash browns, and of course sweet iced tea, but I don't think the cup they serve this dish in would fit all that.

I'm not trying to diss you people who have sworn off meat. Maybe you just really really respect the sanctity of our animal friends. An idea I find absurd, but you can do whatever you want. Or maybe, and this is my favorite excuse, you do it for health reasons. Despite the fact that every person in history has eaten meat and gone on to lead healthy lives. I actually dated a vegetarian once. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't a vegetarian when I dated her, I wouldn't put up with that shit. (Her: No we can't go eat there, they don't have any vegan dishes! Every dish they serve helped with the cruelty and torture of a living life! Me: Get out, we're through!) She converted some time after we broke up. I went to meet her for lunch a few months later at a local Chinese food joint. This is when she threw the vegan crap out there.

I think she had just enough money for one cabbage egg roll or something ridiculous like that. I offered to buy her lunch, but it had to something that bled when it died. She declined and I set about trying to rattle her ditzy hippie cage for a while. (I really didn't want to have to go out to lunch with her again) I told her the saga of two retarded hippies who were sent to prison for killing their six week old baby with a strict vegan diet of soy milk and organic apple juice. Whilst browsing the web for that previous link I found that these two jack asses weren't the only case. Another family, in New York, starved their child with a vegan diet, to the point that it had developmental problems. And adding insult to injury these bastards named their child "Ice". Who the fuck names a child Ice? Middle name Vanilla? So by my reasoning, if you are the sort of person who doesn't eat meat, you shouldn't be reproducing. Meat may be murder, but veganism kills babies. If you are currently on a vegetarian or vegan diet/lifestyle: please go eat an animal, you will do yourself and the world some good.

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1 comment:

Leaf Probably said...

I agree wholeheartedly. Your post just made me decide on a meatlovers pizza for tea tonight... Its going to be the perfect melding of pizza and tasty, tasty meat.

Thanks for stopping by Leaf, probaly... too. I'm glad you enjoyed the story :)