Saturday, November 3, 2007

Virus protection software my ass!

Holy Hell! Can you imagine having four thousand red hot shards of glass shoved down your pee hole? Well that is what my last week has been like. I have had no internet. Yes, I repeat: no fucking internet. Little baby e-jesus must be punishing me for looking at dolphin porn or something, but whatever happened we got a nasty virus that completely crashed our computer. COMPLETELY!

We rebooted the shit with the assistance of a humorless but very helpful Indian dude named Raj, entirely erasing everything on the computer in the process, and the virus is still shutting us down after only a few minutes of computing. Lame. The whole bastard may be shot forever. And the best part is that my brother, who incidentally recognised the virus the minute I told him I thought something was up, is blaming me for all of the problems since I'm the only one who looks at porn. (right) Yet he found Mr. I. Blodolfins video on the first search. Like I'm the perv, dammit!

Anyway, I may not post much until we get this resolved. And that could be ages. And apparently once you start bloggin it's like some sort of crack/heroin hybrid that you want to shoot up in between your toes. I spend half my waking time thinking "This moment would make a great blog entry! It's so colorful and entertaining and rich powerful sultans would give me their daughters in exchange for hearing me weave my tale. I wonder how I would word it ... blah, blah, blah." Pretty much it has made me even more conceited and self centered than I was before, and that's horrible and awesome at the same time.

I have a wicked awesome story book full of adventures from the Halloween season and pictures to boot! (if you want to check all of them out they are up on my myspace page) I will be posting some of that craziness as soon as I can. Until then let me whet your appetite with a little story about what happened to me only moments ago as I came into my room to try and use the computer briefly to log on and tell you all I can't log on. (I'm amazed I've gotten this far without getting kicked off! Hot damn, maybe this shit worked!)

I had just come out of the shower and smoked a cigarette on our back porch when I sauntered into the hallway to boot up the old Dell Shitbot 4000. As I reached the point where I would normally turn right into my room, I noticed 1.) my brother and sister-in-law's room had the door wide open in stead of slightly cracked so their geriatric cat could get it's walker in and out, and 2.) my light was on.

As these facts slowly ticked through my tired synapses I rounded the corner of my room to be greeted by none other than my drunk ass naked brother laying in the fetal position on my bed aiming his taint at me in some sort of passive aggressive mind game. Of course he was passed the fuck out, and probably meant no harm by it, but this did not stop me from vomiting in my mouth a little and quickly weirding the fuck out. I attempted to wake Sami's drunk ass up to come get her naked husband off my sacred sleep zone, but to no avail. It was up to me.

I walked in with a work shirt between me and his protruding balls and covered him up. Then I tapped him and whispered his name. Not much reaction there. So I slapped him on the ass and yelled his name. He responded by tucking my shirt right in between his legs, where I'm assuming his dick was, although I had no visual verification, thank little baby e-jesus! I repeated the ass-slapping and name-yelling for a few minutes until I finally convinced him to get out of my G.D. bed. (you have to be careful how close you get, he gets punchy when he's woken up drunk) He proceeded to stand up, losing the unlucky work shirt, walk to the computer, mumble for a few minutes, and walk right back to his bed.

I was tempted to go find the camera and fuck with him, but I had seen enough for one night and closed their room up behind him. And so I find myself here, once again on the blessed interwebs of glory, sharing what is my life with random passers by. Next time I get on I hope to have some of my pictures loaded up to where I can post them bitches in this blog so I can tell you all about how kick ass I am around Halloween, and maybe even some serious emotional shit. Who knows? Seriously though, I have to get it off my chest soon or I'm gonna blow. Anyway e-lurkers, peace and chicken grease for now. Have a very spooky Thanksgiving or whatever comes next on the calendar. And have fun sleeping in this weekend! Fall back motha fuckas!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dude that blows ass!..

I carry a small notebook around with me and write down good ideas as they spring up in my crazy brain....